Changes, Cancer and Closure...

As most of you know..i have changed over the past year! most of you say its all for the good..people like me then..but am more likeable today..but at what price did i hafta pay for achieving this new found persona?! il tell you..the pain of not having the one thing you have always wanted..and it kills you every damn day knowing that you have no chance in hell..in getting what you wish for every night before you go to sleep..or even at daytime and constantly it's in your mind and you think of things that you know will never happen..by means of bein busy..you temporarily forget the one thing..but after all was said and done..you find yourself alone and doin nothin..and slowly the thing that you want to get over from..comes back and destroys all the happy moments when you were busy and replacing it not with bad moments..but much worst..the feelings of the past when you were happy and the thought of not having what you want..which is much worst..id take any blows or scratches any time of the day..because i know in a couple of days..it'll heal..but that kind of wounds will take a lifetime just to heal!! just like the song says: there is always something there to remind me.." you stroll along the mall and you see the resto you guys ate at..you specifically remember what she ordered and how many straws did she use..or the dvd release of the movie you went out to see with her..or just a simple store you walked in and saw this perfect top that would be perfect for her..walking past a coffee shop and a stream of flashbacks and countless fun times are thrown into you..enjoying a friend's party and the host takes out a familiar cake..turns out twas her favorite when you guys were still going out..memories, memories and memories..will it ever stop? will you ever be cured?!

The agony of waiting and hoping is like cancer..slowly eating you deep inside and in a matter of moments..your dead! contrary to popular beliefs..Rebounds are never the answer!! you fall into a trap of misery and you just cant get out even if you try your best..take for instance my closest friends..one of them still dwells over last summer..his summer love..but for me..ts more of a "summer tragedy" rather than summer romance..this guy is strong..but the mighty have fallen with a statement, lies and 1 angry boyfriend..he hides his troubled self with comments and other girls..now twas another memory for most of us..but i can see it in him that ts goin to take more than "pechy" to cure and resurrect his old self..another friend who happens to be really happy for the first 3 years i have met him..but his world was shattered when the love of his life left him to die in the abyss of singleness..ouch! i even felt the pang of his frustrations and his defeat to another guy..he says he's okay..and yes i believe him..but knowing him..up to now..if she returns, he'll accept her in a heartbeat..now that is true love! removing the shallowness aside..you can sense the longingness and wretchedness in this two guys! i feel for you..and yes we have to move on..yes i know forgetting is never an option..give me one good instance that you forgot the love of your life..and hoping for a chance will always linger in your mind..this things will never leave you..you just need to learn how to live with it..

And yet there will always be a time..that will end, not all of your misery but more of a pain reliever..just like chemo..it never kills the cancer..but it makes the pain bearable..that is when you finally get your closure..the feeling is unexplainable..closures are never fun..if you receive closure..then the things you hoped for didnt go as planned..it means you will hafta settle for somethin..which is fine..if you really care for this person that much..then you will take whatever she hands to you..if friendship is the only thing she can offer you..then by all means take it..rather than swimming in the sea of misery and depression..a lifesaver of companionship will help you survive all of this..so even if closures are scary..it is the only thing that will somewhat cure you and set your life back to normal..it is only in closure that we find ourselves escaping from the desolate world of melancholy..so for people like us..be strong..ts so easy to say yet ts so hard to instill..you may never get what you have always wanted..but dwell on the fact..that somehow without that one thing..your life would be the same boring routine and uninteresting..and the fact that once in your life you felt happiness..even if its just for a short period of time..it is still happiness.. ;)

--> Wrote this in September 2005

School Orgs, Senior Year & Busyness

Being busy is something that I needed to feel. I have changed for the past year and the new me, I think is much, much better than the old me. I mean, I am more school-oriented nowadays and more friendly than I was before; and my friends can attest to that. You see, your first impression of me will probably be "suplado," which I don’t deny. Hey, you just gotta know me to know me..nywey back to busyness..first semester is almost over and what a semester it is..well 4 weeks and countin..and ts my last semester in school..imagine that! finally leaving the den..well hopefully..only a certain bitch stands in my way of marching in march..why the busyness?! because i started participating in school activities and active in school organizations..i thank Ryan Skalaw for givin me a position in his org..dun wory dude..ts gonna be interestin..hehe!! in this org..am meeting people..not just people but friends..and this friends are a breath of fresh air..after what happened to my kada..we havent exactly did nythn that will prove a point in school..but were workin on it..promise members and school community..we will make a difference..we have to!! hahaha..ts kinda scary since the current year being my senior year in college..almost over..almost done! and its true..ts scary to graduate! the responsibilities will be serious and there wont be dean's listers to back you up..that i can manage..since i am great..hehe..but havin to wake up every day and not go to Mendiola will be a very weird feeling for me..for 15 years i've been doin that..and in a couple of months my only view of Mendiola is if some idiots tries and tries to ruin our country with their protestings and rallies..most of all i will miss the people inside the den! we were actually talking about what would everyone feel after taking our final exam in the second semester, the last subject exam and signing our exam release form..for the last time..it would be very emotional..recently just had our retreat and the team building session was quite emotional..no one cried..but you can feel the sense of togetherness and brotherhood of everyone..that is why ts scary to graduate..i am rily rily gonna miss my ABE!! that is why i keep myself busy in school today and spend much time with the boys..so to my new friends..lower years and batchmates..ThnX for making the first half of my senior year..fun and memorable..hope that til the end..the fun will never stop!! oh yeah..3rd street na!!!

--> Posted way back in September 2005