Not so Keen with 2013

Pesky Mayans. Why couldn’t have they been right? Why couldn’t it all end in 2012? It was such a great year that the following had so much to live up to. It didn’t. 2013 was the worst year I had ever lived through. No contest. Usually, I give out 10 best moments that I experienced throughout the year. Last year, I doubt I could even think of five.

Let’s see. You think you’d get a slow start since nothing really happens on January. But no. See, after my birthday, it was decided that I’m destined for greater things. Say, lead my team to glory. Or more realistically, my superior felt the need to take her talents to Miami, er, Ortigas. And being the heir apparent and all, I rose to the ranks and become the Nth Earl of Grantham, I mean, OIC. Great way to start the year, right? Wrong. With great power comes additional night differential. How I hated night shifts. Nothing good ever comes out of working nights. But in order to lead, one must embrace the darkness. And so I have been a creature of the night for almost a year now. I believe this is where it started to go downhill for me.

The succeeding months were a blur of misery. You’d think I’d be thankful for the opportunity, but I never make things easy. Somewhere in March, there was another change of leadership. But this time, it involved royalty. Our long-time manager, my then superior, did a Dwight Howard and transferred to another team for a chance of another ring. Or simply because we can’t afford him anymore. Either way, a new player was activated, a lady boss. Lady boss is cool. If she had come to us earlier, during our glory (bad pun) years, we could have made wonderful things happen. Alas, her arrival meant some changes, and those changes weren’t just simple tweaks.

By middle of the year, we bid farewell to that other team in our account. The Red Coats just suddenly surrendered as they weren’t making enough profits. Naturally, being the stable of the two, we can just absorb these people and carry on with our lives as if nothing happened. Yeah, we were all sipping tea and exchanging tales for at least a month before the powers that be decided to cut more losses. Good bye, mates. It was, well, interesting. Good thing these kinds of things will never ever happen to a sturdy and strong team like mine.

I’ve always loved September. September is where the magic always happen. Guess, last year’s wasn’t all that different. Except it wasn’t white magic, but horrible bad juju. Execute Order 66. Or in the words of the Great Emperor Palpatine, “Wipe them out. All of them.” Finally. We’re getting the boot. Well, some of us are. I just lost people that I’ve known for more than half a decade. Some I consider friends, some acquaintances, but both very heartbreaking. So out of that almost 300 people we started with, after the Battle of Thermopylae, only seven of us are left. And that’s how it had been since then. The icing on the cake is that this all happened under my watch. So much for a brave and fearless leader. Wait. I’m not actually The leader. Not officially anyway. But as Chandler Bing’s principle, if one accepts promotion, one is finally accepting that it is his/her official job. This is all temporary to me, all seven years of it.

So 2013, such a magical month. But I suppose I couldn’t say nothing good came out of the year. By June, my Western family came home yet again to celebrate Iya’s 80th. Such a huge event. The family also had the Anvaya Cove Experience. Beach and buffets, I think that qualifies as a win. September had its share of magic as my high school buddy Adrian tied the knot with his long-time beau, Franchelle. It was part surreal, part expected. I always knew the bastard’s going to be the first one to settle. Suffice to say, it was great seeing those guys again. Something I’m pretty sure won’t happen in the near future. What else? We celebrated Mom’s birthday at Tagaytay with a pretty awesome lunch. And October brought about the annual Bernabe Halloween Bash. Much better turn out this year, which raised the bar for next year’s. Lastly, my San Beda Red Lions got its fourth straight championship crown by November. They say it’s the sweetest, what with all the hardships the team had to endure throughout the season. I’m inclined to believe it is.

(Clockwise) Col. Sanders, Anvaya, 4-peat, IanCelle, Mom

What do you know? There are five memories that are to be cherished after all. Few more things, 2013 saw the emergence of my love for anything Oriental. Chinese, really. I don’t care much for Koreans. Anyway, anything oriental. Like while I’m writing this, there is erhu music playing in the background. And don’t get me started on Hong Kong Cinema. Look, I know I’ve been dragging this whole Hong Kong is the best place in the world for quite some time now, but it is. Deal with it. I started with a couple of martial arts films, Bruce Lee and Jackie Chan flicks mostly, and now I can probably name a good number of Hong Kong celebrities and their movies. Probably better than my knowledge of local entertainment. Some say it gives one culture when one is diverse with his world cinema. I say, they’re right. It’s an addiction, as much as I love a plate of dim sum and chopsticks.

I’ve been reading again. Surprising as it may sound, I am. Though let’s not get carried away. It’s mostly Kafka’s works, that I stay away from. Seriously, anything beyond 300 pages -- not cool. But it’s a vast improvement from just bothering with books that have pictures on them. Hey, even if I’m reading fantasy literature, the point is I’m reading. And it made me remember how much I love mythology and, more importantly, history. Now there’s a career I want to get myself into.

But the real reason why I don’t have love for 2013? It changed me. For the worse. And that is another story for another time. Just know that that change took over me, the whole of me.

Here’s your 10 words of 2013: CHANGE, DEFEAT, ISOLATION, FAMILY, FOOD, MYTHOLOGY, MISERY, ORIENTAL, TELEVISION, SURVIVAL

(--,) is currently obsessed on anything Cantonese, has been reading Riordan’s works and is very much addicted to Downton Abbey. You may notice tones in his writing concerning those three.

It’s All About Thyself in 2012

What a great year. If I had to rate 2012, it’d be in the top three years of my existence. Hello. Yes, the world did not end. And we all feel pretty shtoopid for even considering that the Mayans were accurate. Lying bastards. Anyway, I usually start off my yearend review with the one word that will encapsulate the whole year. This year, however, was so special and full of randomness that it’s not right to just use one adjective to describe it. So let me just say that 2012 was awesome and let’s all be at peace with it.

If you follow and keep waiting for fresh stories from moi, there is something seriously wrong with you. I don’t write anymore. Last entry I did was the 2011 review, and it’s already 2013. So let us all pretend that 2012 was that awesome that I did not find time to document every damn thing that made it all very memorable. Yes, I’m going to go with that.

The first half of the year was pretty steady. It was more of a build-up to what will be the best second half of a year ever. One thing worth mentioning is my quitting of smoking. YES, kids. I have been cigarette sober since the last days of 2011. It was a cliché resolution for 2012, but I freaking accomplished it. I said I was going to try to live all healthy and technically I did. Because I stopped abruptly, without even thinking about it, people ask how. Well, I am not ashamed to say that my intention at first was not for my own good, but to possibly impress. But after a few weeks, which turned into months, I was already doing it for myself. And it has been one of the things I’ve been proud of. Now I can run, climb stairs, taste flavors better and hug people.

Cannot really remember anything spectacular from February, but March had a moment. It was one of those moves that I was hoping to be a “game-changer.” First of all, it was never a game, and nothing changed. I invested a lot. Something I never do. But I figured, what the hell, right? Ridiculously cheesy greetings and sweet goods: Nothing. For every good intention, there is always an equally harsh frustration. Upside: I made a friend.

Months passed and it was still pretty steady. A friend went home from the states and slapped me with the cruel truth. TFTFZ mode. YES, kids. I laughed after knowing. A weird reaction, they say. But somehow I already knew but you know the power of wanting something so bad that everything else is irrelevant. What surprised me is I didn’t even know we were friends, or at least she thought of me as one. Whatevs. Granted I kind of lost a friend before we entered the BER months, everything made sense after that.

I am okay. I cannot say that enough. I am okay. September came and it was the best September ever. This one I’m sure of. Mom turned golden and instead of a party, we decided to take a trip. I’m no traveler. I like going places but I don’t enjoy trips. When will teleportation be available, nerds? Hong Kong is the best country ever. Okay, that sounded biased. It’s the only other country I’ve been to, but I had the time of my life there. Again, not going to go into details but I have decided I want to live there. I’d fit in perfectly. I had so much fun there that up to now I find myself daydreaming I was walking down the streets of Nathan and eating different kinds of strange yet heavenly dimsums. I’m no traveler but I think this trip lit up something inside me that this year I plan to visit friends across Asia. I said plan.

The Year of the Dragon

September always takes the cake and last year’s was no different. However, a close relative lost her battle with cancer by the end of the month. You can call my Tita the glue that holds the Ventura clan together. She’s also one of the best people I have ever known. And you know what they say about genuinely good people, they go ahead of everyone. The fam is still experiencing some grief until now but we’re making progress.

After Hong Kong, I don’t think I’ve ever had a boring weekend since. October ain’t different. Three-peat championship for my San Beda Red Lions. This championship may be the second sweetest in the last seven years. Don’t ask me why, it just is. More parties and events here and there all the way to November, where it held a party that was years in the making: the debut of my cousin Camille. It was a night of glamour, awesomeness and loads of Camille.

December ended just a couple of days ago but it had to be the longest, busiest but definitely fun December ever. Never-ending Christmas parties which was kicked off the company yearend party that seriously sucked. Sans for the hot DJ, that was a terrible party. Then there was the wedding of my good buddy Van and his lovely wife Choy. I swear, I have never seen a couple so happy to be married. You two should be role models for our other friends that are already hitched and those that are planning to. It was also in their pre-wedding party a couple of months ago that I started reinventing myself. Well, not so much reinventing but more like reverting back to my “real self. “

Of course, next to Hong Kong, the best part of 2012 was the homecoming of Ninang Cathy and her sons, Nicolo and Angelo, and The Return of Iya. It’s been seven years since their last trip to our islands and 10 years since Ninang and Nicolo’s last spent Christmas with the fam. A Very Bernabe Holiday is what I called the last three weeks of December. Saying goodbye to them was hard. I’m usually good with goodbyes. I always think, bah, I’ll see you later anyways. But this time was different. I have never felt the fam this close in years, possibly decades. It’s amazing how three short weeks defined a lifetime of happiness for the Bernabes. I mean that. Also, I miss Angelo very much.

A Very Bernabe Holiday

I did not get what I want last year. I got something much better: a new lease on life. Another cliché, really? It’s 3:00 am in the morning, what do you expect? I’m hardly coherent anymore. But it’s the truth. The frustrations and sighs will always be there, that I’m sure of. But I will not let it affect me anymore. I call it heart lobotomy. I’ve also taken several risks, especially with how I look. Fam and friends may not agree with my couture choices but, hey, let’s keep an open mind, shall we? For 2013, fucks will only be given to those who/that are worthy. I might sound and come off as a jerk, but what’s wrong with being one? They always get the girl and they’re rich. For 2013, I am looking out for number one and number one alone. Lowered expectations, less frustrations.

So far the joys and awesomeness of 2012 was carried over to the first few weeks of 2013. I feel significantly good and I know everything is okay. We’ll see if it will hold in the coming months as a major life-changing change is definitely coming.

Ten hashtags of 2012: #FAMILY, #FASHION, #HEALTHY, #INVESTMENT, #ITSOVER, #LOBOTOMY, #LOSINGONESFAITH, #MAJORBREAKUPS, #PARTYGOD, #TRAVEL. (--,)

Forgotten in 2011 Part III

Part III of Forgotten in 2011: Conclusion. 2011 went by so fast I hardly even noticed it happening. Like I said, it’s a good year but I don’t think it will have its own volume in my history books. If there’s one thing that I’m taking away from last year, it’s I grew up in 2011.

Along with turning 25 is the inevitable quarter-life crisis. I anticipated it, and prepared myself for it. And it happened. I questioned my purpose of existence, I felt the abandonment of my friends, I’m not in the state that I know I should be and I was constantly alone. All these symptoms I’ve experienced, and in able for me to cope with all the stress, I had to grow up. So I did.

Maybe because I believed 25 is old, so I started acting my age, dressing my age and dealing with situations in a mature manner. I understood things better. And by doing so, I was somewhat successful in my 2011 resolution. I did not find happiness but I did lessen my anger. Maybe I did not completely eliminate all my resentments but I’m getting there.

But loneliness, that’s something I should work on for this new year. You know, I actually know the solution for this one. It’s so easy. If only it were up to me. But alas, I can only hope and wish that things actually go my way this year. But not too much. I may be all smiles but getting disappointed is never fun.

Might as well write it and ask for it: please, please, please let me get what I want this year.

While I’m in my right state of mind, here are some things I want to do in 2012. I’ma be healthy, by eating right and lessening things that ain’t good for me. I want to enroll in a gym actually. It’s just, I’m not yet that convinced to shell out that much. Maybe second half of the year. Here’s what I should do for 2012. I need to let my guard down and start living. Lessen my rationalizing and calculating everything. It’s not sexy. Haha!

Seriously, I’m ending it here. To finally conclude, here are the 10 hashtags to describe 2011: #ABANDONMENT, #ALONE, #BELONGINGNESS, #CLARITY, #COMICS, #FALLING, #FASHION, #MATURED, #RESPONSIBLE, #WAIVERING. (--,)

Forgotten in 2011 Part II

Part II of Forgotten in 2011. As promised, I am going to indulge you with the insignificant but you’re going to read them anyway activities of mine for 2011. Let’s start with...

January: a good friend got married and I actually caught the bride’s garter. Cool, right? Had my mind was clear and I was actually there in my A-game. Unfortunately, someone decided to stay in my head and refuses to leave. Also, I threw a grand party to celebrate my 25th year of existence. It was fun. It was the first time I was able to bring together all my circles: high school kada, some of the boys, village kids and office all-stars. I gots to admit, it was a blast. By the way, it was in January that I tried to “grab a spoon.” I failed.

February: Month of the hearts. Not that I joined the festivities. Too busy fixing my own. I, however, found myself and the T&C All-Stars on the sands of Puerto Galera. Awesome, is what it was. Made a fool of myself by trying water sports. City boy here. Not to be used for water. As if I needed more awkwardness. But I found that I am a very responsible friend in this trip. And, hello, iPhone 4.

March: Third time’s a charm. Or so I hoped. Not even flashy confectioneries worked. I think it was in March that I finally started to see things clearly.

April: April was awesome. Busy month: Hannah’s Italian birthday; Mendiola Holy Week homecoming for me, Diana and Mary Grace and tour for Dinah; Nuvali tour for the Venturas courtesy of Uncle Petes and late dinner at Tagaytay during Good Friday; and T&C’s Highest of Fives, fifth year anniversary of our “beloved” account. The spoon-grabbing was absent this month.

May: The long-awaited, years-in-the-making April MeanBoys celebration finally happened. My best buds: Cyrus, Lawrence and Ralph’s joint birthday bash at Astoria Plaza. It was in this event that I realized that we weren’t that group of idiots who will always be there for each other. We are grownups now. Most of us needs to be home for their families and others have someone waiting for them. I was the only one left to spend the night with Cy and Aimee. Very sad, I know. And the happy couple would have preferred to be “alone.” Sorry, guys. Ha-ha. It did not end there. Merville celebrated its annual fiesta and the village kids had their after-party here at our clubhouse: good times. My adorable cousin Bea also had her ballet recital at Ateneo. Clubbing night at Seventh High for a Cosmo event courtesy of one of my favorite in-law, Pau. I was so totally cured of the infatuation. I thought.

June: Being that my friends are now living their own lives and I am totally “over” my predicament, I had to find something to keep myself sane. And that’s where I turned over to the geek side: comic books. My second half of 2011 was dedicated to reading and starting a small collection of comic books. I’ve always liked it but was never really this serious. Say what you want to say, but it really made me happy and kept my sanity intact. Oh, and Dallas Mavericks got their first NBA championship at the expense of Miami Heat.

July: Only three things comes to mind: the end of the Harry Potter films, NBA players visits Manila and Iya’s despedida. Iya finally had her U.S. application granted and by the end of this month, left for California to stay with Ninang Cathy and the family. The NBA visit semi-brought out the 2005 me. Then again, I think it’s already an annual thing. I’m gonna go through that every year but it won’t last very long.

August: Marked my five years working in my company. Half a decade, who would have thought? A milestone, I’m sure; but considered an achievement, on the fence. My dreams will never come to fruition if I stay here for another five years. Spicy Fingers became my favorite Happy Hour hangout in this month. And sadly, I missed this year’s VanessaPalooza because of typhoon Mina, who caused a lot of damage up north. With the departure of Iya, lots of changes in the household.

September: Ah, yes. September. The king of months. The one month I can always count on. Important people celebrating their birthdays. And it always delivers. Mom and I celebrated her birthday at Manila Ocean Park. She always wanted to go there so we finally did. Cool place. And of course, Bes’ annual birthday bash: the party of parties! The one event where we go all out and we go home with smiles on our faces. It was definitely a night to remember, and let’s just leave it at that. For months, I tried very hard to be all rational and to not open that door. After that awesome night, I turned the knob.

October: Look. I was in my very-hopeful-and-happy-but-utterly-naïve mode by this time. I laughed at my first quarter of 2011 self. I cannot believe I was that person. Here’s someone new who is more in my league. Challenging and complicated, yes; but someone who I’ll be able to relate to more. But after a few weeks and one special occasion, my pal failure comes a’knockin’ yet again. But what’s this? An actual MeanBoys nightout took place this month. AJ’s daughter, Ajee, celebrated her 2nd birthday and most of the boys were there. Nightout ensues after the party. I got lambasted by the boys for not being able to do anything when the opportunity presented itself. I told them there was nothing there. They did not buy it one bit. They just know me too well. Well, at least it got me thinking. Good thing Cy’s out of the country. And we certainly can’t forget, Back-to-back championships for my San Beda Red Lions, and I was there to witness the victory.

November: I think I finally accepted my fate of being alone and just decided to make the most out of it. I started not expecting from my friends, lessened my anger and resentment towards not having anyone, and just be awesome instead. I just realized, maybe Mom knew how I felt and planned this whole dine out in a new restaurant every weekend thing. It worked. I was actually enjoying her company and that abandonment feeling left me. Yes, expensive food is very therapeutic. Who says money can’t buy happiness? There was also this team bowling activity--that was fun. And just when I thought everything is going to be okay, the last day of this month proved otherwise.

December: Holiday season. Who doesn’t love Decembers? Fresh from the last day of November, that first-quarter me is back. It’s just the holidays. Then comes the team’s year-end party. I took point, so that the party will be awesome. That means, just like year, which really started it all, the vicious cycle will be repeating itself. But I’m not complaining. It’s just the holidays, right? The Party God made an appearance this month as his year-end party was a success. Also, I found love from my teammates. Suddenly, we ain’t this boring group of individuals anymore. We actually started going out, weekly, which I can honestly say one of the highlights of my year. They knew all along that my feelings never left me and I was just good at keeping it, and eventually it will return. Bastards! But it’s just the holidays. Oh, there are so many worthy moments for this month, but aside from the year-end, Christmas Eve and New Year’s Eve, there was one particular night that made me very happy. Still, it was just the holidays. It was nothing. And let me contradict and be truthful to myself by saying, for me, it was everything. And I’m kinda carrying that feeling as of this writing. This month, Uncle Alex and family started to move in to their new mansion, so that’s where we celebrated Christmas and New Year’s Eve this year. The Holidays are so much better this year.

How many of your precious minutes did I waste? You’re welcome. Do not fret, there’s still part three, the conclusion of my year-end review. Wait for it. But don’t hold your breath for it.

It’s not just the holidays, after all... (--,)

Forgotten in 2011 Part I

Abandoned. Kimberly asked me to describe 2011 with one word and I, without hesitation, Tweeted to her “abandoned.” Did I suffer through a breakup or got dumped? No. I would have welcomed the breakup over the abandonment issues I went through for this year in a heartbeat. Why abandoned? Emo much? Because “abandoned” sounds so much better than “napagiiwanan.”

What do you mean, “napagiiwanan?” In this time and age, when you reach mid-twenties, settling down is already an option. My titos and titas and family elders would raise their eyebrows with that statement. “Ang bata bata mo pa.” No, kins. I’m not. Sure, I’m years away from the ideal marrying age, but shouldn’t I at least be with someone I can possibly bring to that moment? “Darating din yan.” When? I’m in the peak of my life and I’m not having fun. When I’m old and wrinkled, when I look back at my prime, what will I see? A sad, young fool who never took a risk. Scary thought!

Again, what do you mean “napagiiwanan?” Exactly how it sounds. This year, even Erwin, the one friend we never got tired of making fun of that he’s gonna grow old alone, is in a committed relationship. Imagine my gasp and holy-fuck moment when he told me that he got his “Yes.” Hey, I’m very happy for my friend. I really am. He deserves to be happy, from all the crap he got over the years. But, how can I not be affected? Out of all the boys, I’m the only one who don’t need to ask permission from anyone with whatevers. Tomcat, the only remaining single schmuck from the bunch. I used to laugh at people my age who think their worlds are crumbling and they gonna die alone. Not so funny now that I’m in their shoes, huh?

What made it worse for me? The boys finally fixed their own personal priorities and became always unavailable. Out of 52 Fridays of 2011, I am probably home, very early, 45 of them. I really felt like I had no friends. It’s like seeing or hanging out with them is a luxury. Of course I had to understand. One by one they’re getting married and starting their own families. Can’t argue with that. But that doesn’t certainly make me feel better.

I did found new friends. From someone who is a regular in my writings. Her annual shindig is something I look forward to. Like I imagined, her friends are very cool. Albeit, young and wild, but that’s how I like my lifestyle. Or at least I did, until the latter part of the year. And their company and my delusion of actually being part of her circle lasted for a couple of months, enough for me to go all classic, yet again, with one of them. And we all know how I like them: complicated and impossible. As expected, it didn’t lead to anywhere. Not a big deal though, really. For she, um, well, she kinda plays both sides of the court.

2011 was supposed to be the turning point of my life. I told myself back in college that I should have earned my first million by the time I’m 25. Look, I did. Problem is, I’ve spent all of it over the years, while earning it. I should have been more specific. But what can I say? Our lives do not exactly turn out as we envisioned it back in school.

Okay. It’s not all bad. In fact, I actually view 2011 as a memorable and positive year. Compared to my friends who had lots of deaths in their families, major breakups that shook our whole worlds and just plain fucked up lives, I cannot complain.

I just had an epiphany. And that is I will split this year-end review into parts. Because I have so much I want to share but not enough time to get to all of them. So, kiddies, this is the first part. Tomorrow, let me indulge you with my monthly adventures, however insignificant they may be and how I can proudly say that I have matured in 2011. Happy New Year, loves! (--,)

On High Schools and Destinies

Around a decade ago, I was in high school. (Yes, a decade ago. Bah!) High school should and could be the best and worst time of one’s life. It should be the best if you were at the top of the food chain: athlete, cheerleader, student council member, thick wallets. Worst if you’re a misfit or just plain dork. High school was, for me, well, it was more of a memory than a phase.

I kinda never gave a damn about high school, or school per se for that matter. We were taught that if we go to school, study hard, not miss classes, excel, et cetera, we will succeed in life. Elders, tito, tita, tell that to the jazillioners abroad who created this little networking site called Facebook and now owns everyone’s time and attention. Hey, doing good in school does give you an edge when it comes to the real world. And I cannot really preach about this stuff if I myself never excelled in my institution. But I did finish and graduate. That means I did something right, yes? So why am I stuck in a dead end job? Because I foolishly believe and placed my so-called fate in motivational garbage like “Everything is possible once you put your mind to it,” or “Dream big,” “Reach for the stars,” “May the Force be with you...”

Fate and destiny makes it easier for us to live. It gives us hope, blind hope. It’s a vicious circle. You want to succeed? Find a rich relative. You want to be loved and matter? Be rich.

Do I sound like half-minded bitter idiot? I probably am. Am I making a point? No, not really. I don’t even have any goals here. I just felt the need to write. I, however, was trying to connect high school life with what I’m feeling right now. That feeling of wanting to belong. And I miserably failed. Even my transitions sucked!

Now that that’s off my chest, I still feel horrible and spiteful. Yep, still got it! (--.)

Shall I Compare Thee...

"Hmm... her pancakes are much better than yours." No matter how secure we are with our present, one cannot help but think about what used to be. It's just how we are programmed. Whether we hear a song or we pass by somewhere, we suddenly remember something, no matter how obscure it is.

Comparison. This is something that I strongly believe should be included in the seven capital sins of, for the lack of a better word, love. Comparison will never ever bring you peace. It just strengthens that proverbial what-if and reminds you how foolishly happy you once was. Tell me thinking about how she used to save all the orange gummi bears for you or request for extra butter for your popcorn when you know she's figure-conscious does not make you go hmm, and smile a little. Not that the current one is a disappointment. Oh, no. She's a gymnast and takes up yoga classes. You stock up on your Red Bulls and Gatorades and Alaxan whenever she sleeps over. But like I said, the littlest and stupidest things triggers that comparison.

Here's the fun part. The harder you try to not compare, the more you do. You just gotta love the irony. But it really is not healthy. How do you think your current will feel when he or she finds out you were thinking about someone/thing else when he or she something for you and it did not meet your expectations? How would you feel if you fail to meet your girlfriend's expectations? I'm not saying you should divert all your energy on eliminating this destructive trait. You can't. It is futile to resist. But what one must do is absorb, smile then think about the reason why that thought is only a memory, and focus on what is making you happy this very moment. Provided you are happy. If you're just reminded about something without your partner triggering it, then it's not comparison. You're just sad.

This all came out of nowhere. Well, actually, a friend and I were talking about some almost-perfect-dork finally committing. But he committed to chick who is not-so-perfect. "Tagumpay," as I would like to call it. Emphasis on the almost-perfect trait of the dork. Now, my friend is accusing me of comparing that chick to our chick who has this thing for almost-perfect-dork. I, of course, denied because I really wasn't. It is not in my nature to compare, except maybe for prices. But off the record, if ever, that not-so-perfect chick is going to eat our chick for breakfast. (And what an inappropriate yet awesome image that is.)

Regardless of how not-so-perfect chick will destroy our chick in a heartbeat, if I were in almost-perfect-dork's expensive shoes, I'd choose ours without thinking twice. But that's just me, the Foolish Party God. (--,)

Needy Much?

Look, I know the odds are against me. And she ain't about to even the scales any time soon. And with my track record, possibly never at all. Call me foolish for hoping for some affirmation, but can you really blame me? Genuine appreciation will do. Not the obligatory and polite ones. Yes, one should never expect. But do sane people really never expect? So easy to say, "Never expect. That way, you won't be disappointed." Testify! And it's certainly very easy to reply, "Oh, I don't," complete with the sheepish grin. And maybe, we really don't. But is there really a difference between hoping and expecting? "Not expecting but hoping." How annoying is that statement? Especially if you believe in it.

I get it. The timing's all wrong and off. And I respect that. So I'm playing the waiting game. And for those of you who really know me, I am what you would call a grandmaster when it comes to waiting games. I know it's too much, but, I'm gonna have to ask, again, for a little reaffirmation. I'm slightly needy. There I said it. I am. But for someone who have never, ever got who he wanted, I'd think twice before throwing rocks at my direction. I apologize for wasting your time. I'm just hurt. (--.)