Expression

“What’s wrong?” For the past few days, weeks, even, I’ve been asked this question by almost every friend, colleague and acquaintance that I got. I have the answer to that and I will save that for the latter part of this entry. Let’s begin with my facial expression. Ever since I can remember, I’ve inherited my mom’s “irritated and annoyed” look. That grunt-like expression that makes people wonder if I’m angry or in a bad mood. Frankly, I am somewhat always irritated, and I guess the expression became permanent. But little things such as people blocking my way, loud nonsense chit-chats, rowdy pesky little kids: they’re the ones that tick me off. I have never carried a grudge for somebody because I believe it’s just not worth my oh-so precious time. So even at the start of the day, when you see me in my usual face, do not hesitate to greet or approach me. Chances are, I ain’t in a bad mood. I’m just stuck with that look.

Through college, I learned to smile and take things lightly. I’ve met people who taught me how to loosen up and not be uptight. So my “expression,” didn’t exactly left my face, but it was kinda lessened. That is, until now. Ever since I’ve left the halls of my beloved alma mater and embarked on this “real world” thing, I was faced with challenges that I just laughed about while growing up. “Hah! You will never see wearing long sleeved corporate attires and answer to anyone besides myself.” But that only happens to people who, upon birth, were just waiting for their childhood to be over so that they could succeed their fathers as the CEO of their family-owned corporations. Which brings me back to my point.

As I’ve said, that “smile” never really left me, but the “expression” came back knocking a couple of weeks ago. I learned to enjoy what I do for a living to the point that I will make this statement, “typing subtitles and captioning programs’ probably one of the coolest jobs in the world.” It’s a known fact that I get to be updated with the entertainment industry and I get to learn new and different things with every program that I work on. And, my teammates, well, they’re the cherry on the top of this dessert that I call “work.” But what happens when that dessert ain’t sweet anymore?

So here’s what causing the return of the discouraged me. I’m sure I’m missing Old School Offline. Most of my friends-slash-colleagues have moved on to better careers. Even the so-called “foundations of Offline” are already but a memory of my once promising account. Two of those pioneers said goodbye this month and another two pillars are going to go bye-bye next in April. As of writing, there’s only 15 of us left, minus the two that are leaving next month.

Another reason would be, and this is connected with the last one, we’re getting this “being screwed” feeling. We’re being given new responsibilities and tasks that are beyond what we signed up for. Really, it’s like a reality show where everything is monitored, but we’re not free to do anything we’d like to do. Every damn thing is directed and people are just getting screwed from left to right. I won’t elaborate anymore. The feeling just sucks. People are asking me what’s up with me because I’m not in my usual self. “Wag ka magdrama ng ganyan. It’s so not you!”

Lastly, my on and off infatuation with someone is, well, on and off. Just last week I was head over heels with just a glimpse of her, and now, I’m kinda wanting out. Her, being one of the almighty-ish, is not helping. One can’t help feel hostile with these new directives, but then again, it’s not her fault. She doesn’t even want to be in that position anyways. I guess, my best course of action would be, professionalism.

The summer season is taking its toll on me. I really want to take a really long vacation but I cannot quit my day job. How I wish that summer vacation’s applicable in the corporate world. Take a break for two months and be back to your work by June. So the planned getaways will just have to do, at least, something to get excited about.

I need motivation! I need something to look forward to. I’m drained!